Today is Saturday, August 19, 2017

Good thing football is seasonal

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I like watching football. I like to see the long pass that is grasped in the most outstretched fingertips of the streaking receiver. I like the kick-off returns where the gifted runner skillfully weaves his way through the would-be tacklers. I enjoy trying to guess which play the coach or quarterback will call for the fourth-and-one on the 35-yard-line. In fact, I love it so much that in the past I've had to ration my football TV time to Peyton Manning, UT Vols and the Tennessee Titans so that I don't spend my entire life in front of the tube.

So it's a really good thing that live football is limited to just five months a year, unless you count the exhibition games and the bowl games, which can take us into spring practice, trading, recruitment - you get the picture.

My wife, on the other hand, doesn't even care for the Super Bowl. She'll watch it just to be sociable. She falls into the category of the football widow which, like the golfer's widow, is a ghostlike separation from the spouse. He's here in body but for all intents and purposes is dead and gone - except for the noise and reflection from the TV and the dirty snack things on the living room table.

So what can the wife who is not sports-minded do for the roughly half-year before she will be able to get her husband's attention again? The first thing that comes to mind is for her to get a good book and plop down on the sofa beside him wearing her thinnest nightgown. If this doesn't work, she should remind him that he has a TiVo control at his disposal (not for her, dummy, but for the TV).

If this doesn't work, check his pulse and see if he is still with us; then try the-best-way-to-a-man's-heart-is-through-his-stomach technique by whipping up a gourmet meal, which will invariably be brought to the living room table so that the game will not be left out of the enjoyment.

If the above is fruitless, it's time to resort to an alternative lover. I don't recommend this because in six months when the season is over there'll be all kinds of complications to handle. I also don't recommend it because, odds are, that the gigolo she is chasing will also like football.

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