Today is Friday, August 18, 2017

Lots of toys available

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One Christmas, I think it was about 1988, it snowed and Mickey Pope and I went hunting. That was fun.

Sometimes, I wish I was hi-tech. There are so many toys for outdoorsman that are super hi-tech and would make nice Christmas gifts. Unfortunately, hi-tech and I don't mix well. I still have no idea how you "share" on Facebook.

I seldom want to, anyway. Hey, does anybody know who Bonita Galvez is? For only $1,000 she will be my very good friend. She needs the money to get here from Liberia. I thought she meant library and I told to just walk. Actually, I told her to take a hike, but same thing. Anyway. Looked like she may be a fun toy, though.

I would not mind having one of those dealies you put on your boat and it tells you how many fish are in the proximity, how deep they are, what kind they are, what they want to hit and whether or not they will make the size limit. It also tells you how deep the water is, the pH, the temperature and what the good looking lady at the marina thought of your T-shirt. They are only about $24,000 and only Chip Smith and Larry Locke can figure out how to use one. Well, maybe Coleman Walker could but not M.J.

I have been offered some of those trail cams for free. Really.

Back when I was still famous for killing big deer and writing about them, companies offered them to me. I am kinda like Larry Woody, when it comes to those. They not only take the fun out of scouting, neither of us has a clue as to how to use one. They even have them so they will call you on your cell phone when a deer walks by. What good is that unless you are asleep in the stand? No, I don't reckon I want one of those for Christmas. I taught Woody how to catch bass, I guess I could teach him how to scout for deer. Rule #1: The pointed part of the hoof is the front.

I have all the hunting clothing I will ever need. Fortunately, when the clothing companies were offering to send me free clothes, I took them up on it.

I have boots, gloves, hats, shirts, coats etc. out the whazoo and some of them still fit. I have a drawer full of long underwear and socks that have never been worn.

Mayor Craighead and I have that in common. Course, he probably bought his and neither of us is as well dressed as Bev Spickard...but who is. I might like 11 pair of new, Nike shoes.

Then, I could do like Kris Warmath and wear a color coordinated wardrobe every day with matching shoes and still have a closet like Marcos.

On the T and V, the other night, I saw a fishing rod and reel that cost more than my first house. With my proclivity to throw things overboard that don't work, I better not have one of those.

Why heck, a couple times, I even came close to throwing Dave Durham overboard. He hasn't worked in a year. Just sits there and mumbles something about bomas and leopards costing too much and what a bum deal the guy who shot Cecil got. That's why I won't take Jimmy McDowell fishing.

I know, maybe Chuck Keel will take me out to eat and give me a big discount on the vehicle he is now driving. I get all my rolling stock from Chuck.

He used to be the manager at Chulie's Cheapies, finest used car lot in Antioch.

I guess, truth be told, there is not much I actually need. Probably true of most of us.

Then it comes to things I want, I reckon all I really want is to be happy and most of the time, I am. Now, I would like for my son to get well but that is not a human decision. That comes from a higher pay grade than any of us so, I leave it up to that Commander.

I know it is nine days before Christmas but I figured with all the name dropping in this column, maybe someone would buy me something nice.

You might notice, I did not mention really rich guys like Jack Lowery, who could take me storm chasing. I would really like to do that but I aint going sky diving.

Look, y'all, in case I forget to mention it next week, have a very Merry Christmas and don't forget what it is really all about.

And for any of my friends that are offended by Merry Christmas...wait a minoozle. I don't have any friends like that so never mind. And thanks for having a sense of humor and taking the jibes well.

And a special thank you for reading this terribly un p.c. column all these years. In three weeks, this column will have been running continuously in Wilson County for 40-years. Yep, I was only 16 when I started it.

I'm going outside to go look for some caribou, (reindeer), pulling a sleigh. Boy they eat good once you get the Laplanders shook off them. Ever tried to shake a Laplander off a caribou?

Contact the author at jsloan1944@gmail.com

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