Today is Thursday, August 17, 2017

SHOCK CLAIM: Uncle Pete has no nieces, nephews

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Shock and disbelief rippled across Lebanon on Friday afternoon when a middle-aged man publicly levied an unbelievable charge against the proprietor of Uncle Pete's Truck Stop on Sparta Pike.

The man, wearing only flip-flops, cut-off denim shorts and what appeared to be a hat made of foil, picketed just outside the longtime Lebanon establishment with a sign that read, "No nephew! No niece!"

This roving reporter cautiously approached the plainly agitated protester to learn more about his claim.

"I'm here to tell you, man," he said, his eyes darting back and forth along the length of Sparta Pike, "it ain't true. There is no 'Uncle' Pete, man. He's just Pete. That's all. I seen a 40-minute video on YouTube about it. You should watch it! What's your e-mail?! I'll send you a link, man!"

People outside the truck stop treated the man with indifference, but one regular customer said he was familiar with the protester.

"That's just Jerry," the man, who asked not to be named but said he's eaten at Uncle Pete's weekly for the past 20 years, said. "Years ago, he was a sales rep for Ski, that citrus drink. The truck stop's owner elected to go with Coca-Cola products instead, and Jerry's had it out for him ever since."

This article is fictional, produced by a fictional writer. All facts stated in the article are for entertainment purposes only. It is a joke. Happy April Fools Day.

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#AprilFools, Hugh Litzer
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